Chaos Theory
by Lattelady
Summary: After Jaynestown, River uses torn pages from Book's book to help Jayne. Her actions are as a butterfly flapping its wings. It sets things in motion that might never have happened. After Miranda the emotional result is apparent when he returns the favor.


13

**Disclaimer: **I'm not sure who owns them at the moment, bit as far as I'm concerned, it's Joss.

**Rating: **PG-13

**Notes: Not** beta-ed. Sorry but I've had problems with Word and won't send a doc file to anyone until it's cleared up.

**Challenge: **Curikitten's 21st Birthday. I had two sets of words: boss, deity, and hero; trust, betray, and secret. I've made them into one story. **_Happy 21st Birthday!_**

**Timeframe:** The first part takes place after _Jaynestown_ and the second a year after Miranda. Both sections are posted together.

**Other version: **The original of this story has a number of song lyrics and a poem between sections. Due to the restrictions at this site, they have been removed. The original can be found at my homepage.

_**Chaos Theory**_

By

_**Lattelady**_

_It startes: A Butterfly Flaps Its Wings:_

It was late and most of _Serenity's_ crew was sleeping, but not River Tam. No matter how hard she tried to block out the deep soul wrenching pain that was coming from Jayne Cobb, nothing worked. It beat at her until she was as raw with sorrow and guilt as he was. Something had to be done before he tore them both to pieces.

With graceful sure steps she moved through the ship until she found the big mercenary hiding in the shadows behind crates in the cargo bay. He had a cheap bottle of whiskey held tightly in his hand, and was drinking heavily.

"Jayne," she whispered as she knelt on the cold deck beside him.

"Go away, Moonbrain," he grouched and glared at her. "I ain't in the mood for your nonsense."

"You are hurting."

"I ain't," he mumbled and took another swallow from the bottle. "Nothin' hurts me."

"Please, I can feel it," her voice broke and it took all her effort to keep from covering her ears and cowering, even though she knew that wouldn't shut out his inner voice that echoed loudly through her mind.

"I said git, Girl!" The big man lashed out and shoved River's right shoulder with enough power to knock her off balance. "Just git before I do real damage!" Anger and guilt were suffocating him. He was a mean rough man who had spent most of his adult life taking from others. _Serenity_ had lifted off from Canton seven hours earlier, but he couldn't leave behind the idea that on that small moon the people thought of him as a hero.

Five years earlier, he'd stolen a great deal of platinum and when his get-away ship had been fired upon and damaged, he'd had to dump his payload. All he'd done was save his own life, but that wasn't how the ruttin' Mudders saw it. All he'd done for years was curse his bad luck, while those damn Mudders had been singin' his praises and buildin' him a statue. They had made him a hero for doing what he'd always done, thinkin' of himself first.

No matter how much he had to drink he couldn't drowned out the moment when that kid had jumped in front of the bullet meant for him. He flinched as he was struck anew by the memory.

"I can't block out your hurt." River's slim body convulsed as she felt his pain. Tears filled her eyes.

"Well that's jist too damn bad!" He leaned toward her, his face inches from hers. "Ya don't like the way I feel, git away, leave, go hide somewhere so ya don't have ta feel it!" For some reason being mean to her helped take his mind off his own troubles, though he knew once she told her brother and the Doc told Mal, he'd be in a world of hurt tomorrow.

"But there is nowhere that far." She gripped his shirt front and tried to shake him to make him understand. "_Serenity _is too small and your pain too immense."

"Then leave, leave the ruttin' ship." He grinned and stood, swaying on his feet. One large fist wrapped around her wrist. "Now that's the best idea all day, Crazy." He began dragging her toward the airlock. "You take a nice little walk in the Black and ya won't have ta worry 'bout feelin' the pain no more. Hell, I'll join ya."

No!" She tried to pry free from the hold he had on her and dug in her heels. It didn't stop their forward motion. His bulk was too much greater than hers. Inch by inch he pulled her toward the airlock. "No!"

Something switched on in River's brain. She didn't know where it came from, but all of the sudden she was stepping forward, shifting her weight. She moved as if in an odd dance, leg up and out, elbow to his belly. A quick spin and she used his own forward momentum to send him crashing to the deck. She followed him down while twisting her hand free of his.

The big Mercenary was too drunk to know anything, but that he'd fallen. Then he was looking up into smoldering brown eyes as she dug her knee into his groin and wrapped her hands around his neck. Suddenly he was very sober and angrier than he'd been in years. The slip of a girl had managed to knock him on his ass.

"Enough!" her voice rang in his ears. "Enough of this nonsense, no one is taking a walk in the Black!"

"You _feng la_ girl, let me up!" he demanded as he tried to push her off of him.

"I think not." She dug her thumbs into his throat a quarter of an inch above the notch of his clavicle. It made him cough and gasp for breath while she pressed her knee tighter against into his groin. "Do I have your attention now?"

"Yes, just stop tryin' ta turn my balls into pancakes!" He wasn't sure which was more surprising, Moonbrain's ability to deck him, or the fact that she was speaking clearly.

"Good," she nodded as she searched his mind for his intentions, but all she could find was confusion and hurt. For a moment his pain overpowered her and she trembled.

Jayne had been a dirty fighter for too long not to recognize a chance when he saw one. He didn't give a ruttin' damn if the girl was in pain and he was the cause of it. No one knocked him on the ground, and pranced away from it without some hurtin' bein' done. While she was trying to shake off whatever mental image was caught in a loop of that twisted brain 'a hers, he flipped her over backwards, onto her bottom and slide her around on the deck until she was facing him, then dragged her under his body with her legs spread. Her butt sat snugly on his right foot, which pressed her left ankle tightly into her groin. His right hand held her wrists securely to the left of her head, while his left fist reached for Boo and dug the sharp blade against the side of her long slim neck.

He was about to dig one knee into her abdomen, for a little added torture, when he froze. He'd always known the girl was tiny, but it had never really meant anything to him. With her captured below him the way she was, he could feel the delicate bird-bones of her arms and wrists and one unpadded hip was pressed against his belly.

"Jayne you don't want to hurt me," she murmured and looked at him with complete clarity.

"Don't I?" he scoffed unsure of his next move.

"You've had enough pain for one day." River looked at him with compassion, not pity; understanding, not doubt. "It…It…" She blinked and her eyes clouded over as if something had shut off in her brain and her ability to speak or think clearly disappeared. "It is known as sensitive dependence on initial conditions. A small change in the initial conditions can drastically change the long-term behavior of a system. It often produces a double spiral, in this case two realities. The chaos theory is applicable here."

"Girl you're talkin' nonsense." Jayne shook his head, all the fight gone out of him. "Git up." He climbed off 'a her and pulled her to her feet. One harmless being had already died that day because of him, he couldn't hurt Moonbrain more than he already had. It would be too much.

"Not nonsense." She held out her hands with the pages from Shepherd Book's book griped tightly in her fingers. "When I touched them they became only paper, no longer the symbol the Shepherd holds dear. They were strong enough to mend the cracks in his soul, to merge past into present and wash away his pain. They can help you too."

"I keep tryin' ta tell ya, I ain't in pain and I sure don't have no cracks!" He glared and gripped her shoulders threateningly.

"You can not damage me." She smiled ignoring the way he glowered at her. "Nor can the Shepherd's faith heal me. I am already broken beyond repair. I make no sense."

"You don't gotta tell me that." Jayne snorted feeling a mite bit guilty for gettin' physical with someone so much smaller than he. "The whole ruttin' boat knows you're crazy, so why ya wastin' my time?"

"I am giving you these so you will understand the faith the mud harvesters had in you, and why the boy saved you."

"How the gorramn hell do you know 'bout it?" He glared and reached for his bottle again. "Who the ruttin' hell has been talkin'?"

"Your despair shouts loudly." She shook her head in distress. "The others only speak of it in sleep chatter, which fills the air and becomes a chorus to the melody of your pain. No escape, there is no escape for me as long as this song fills the air."

"You ain't makin' sense," he growled and frowned hopin' he could scare her away.

"But then I never do so how is this different?" She gave him a small smile and held out the pages she'd torn from the Bible the day before, hoping he would take them.

"I guess ya got a point there." He'd been about to take another drink 'a whiskey, but decided t'weren't such a good idea, 'cause he was beginnin' to understand Crazy-girl. He knew he'd had too much to drink when that happened.

"The Shepherd told me, '_It's not about making sense. It's about believing in something and letting that belief be real enough to change your life. It's about faith. You don't fix faith, it fixes you.'_" As she spoke the Preacher's words, her voice sounded almost exactly as his had. "You were faith enough for the man who died for you. It fixed him long before you met him. The words that are written on these papers fixed Shepherd Book long before he met us. Take them," she pushed them into his open hand. "Let their words glue you back together like they did for Book."

"But what about you girl, don't you need them, to glue you back together?" He was confused but he took the pages she offered. A long time ago he'd had strong beliefs. It was one of the reasons he valued his talks with the Preacher. A small part of him hoped the man of God might be able to lead him back to the person he'd been before the power of a gun and the speed of his draw had become his deities.

"I have no need for them," she sighed. "There is no faith in the 'verse that can mend my cracks, I am beyond redemption."

"Girl, wait," he called to her as she headed for the passenger dorm. He was confused. He didn't know if it was the liquor talkin' or what, but he didn't want the Doc's Moonbrained sister to leave him standing there all alone. "Wait one ruttin' minute."

"Do not tell me to wait? You are not by boss Jayne Cobb." She wheeled around on her heel and faced him, her entire expression one of sorrow and pain. For one small moment she felt his power over her and all he could mean to her life if she were selfish enough to reach for it. "Do not tell me what to do."

"Waiting is all that is left. The butterfly has flapped its wings. Changes in the atmosphere have begun." She reached up and caressed his cheek.

"Stop talkin' craziness!" He gripped her wrist, but didn't pull her hand away.

She looked deeply into the blue of his eyes and fought images that flipped through her brain. She saw a girl strapped to a chair, screaming as messages were forced into her brain. She saw a dance of blood and death and a room filled with Reavers. "No," she gasped as tears filled her eyes and she ran her free hand down his chest as she saw a knife descending, with no idea of who was holding it.

"Ahhh, Girlie, don't go cryin' all over the place." Startled and unsure what to do he patted her back. It only made her cry harder and as she did, he could feel his shirt dampen over his heart. It made him catch his breath at the odd sensations it was creating. Suddenly he wrapped his arms around her and picked her up. In a few quick strides he was back under the catwalk, hidden in the shadows, but this time he had River in his arms. He sat on the deck holding her on his lap and rocked her.

"The changes have begun. We are the double spiral," she muttered against his chest. "Hold on tight, please just hold on tight or all will be lost."

"Shhh Girl," he murmured and ran his hand through her hair. He was unsure what was going on, all that he knew was if he let her go, his life would be lost. Somehow, in some odd way he needed to connect with Crazy Girl, unfortunately the only way he knew how to connect with a female was with his cock. T'weren't no way that was gonna happen with her, so he kept holding her close and rubbing his large hands over the bare skin of her arms and neck.

"There is one other way." Her wet eyes gazed into his confused ones as she gently gripped the sides of his face. "Yes one other way," she whispered as she rose up and covered his lips with hers.

Jayne was stunned, he was dizzy, he was lost and then he exploded with a growl from deep within. His arms tightened around her, pressing her body against his as he coaxed her mouth open with his tongue. She moaned softly as she learned the joys of kissing and so did he.

He knew he wasn't being gentle with his hands as they roamed her body, but he couldn't help himself. She was like a drug and he couldn't get enough of her. Then she whimpered in pain and his mind caught up with his body. He pulled back, but didn't let go of her. What he saw made him dizzy. River's face was wet from tears, but her eyes were shining and clear. Her lips swollen and deep pink from bein' kissed. She was holdin' on to him just as tightly. Her hands had been doin' some explorin' of their own self.

"Easy there, River," he whispered and kissed her temple. "This ain't right and we both know it." His eyes fluttered closed when he realized how close he'd been to lowerin' her to the deck and takin' her innocent body. "I'm still a bit drunk and you're still crazy. T'ain't one consentin' adult 'tween the two of us."

"We are factal. We have attributes of self-similarity." She gently stroked his cheek. "All we can do is see if our actions will cause us to miss the coming storm, or avoid it. It has already been set in motion."

"Knowin' our luck, ain't no way we'll be avoiding it, but we ain't similar, and the sooner ya get that through your crazy head, the better." He was angry at himself for touchin' her, and furious for still wantin' her.

"Shhh, Jayne, it is all right," she whispered as she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled his head to her breast. "Sleep, rest, your mind it has had enough pain for one night and so has mine."

As he leaned against her softness, he kept telling himself that he was gonna get up, that he'd only stay like that another moment, but somehow she was soothin' him and he was so gorramn tired. The last thing he remembered before he fell asleep was the feel of her fingers gently massaging his neck at his hairline.

The next morning he woke up curled in a lump with his bottle of whiskey a foot away. He was alone and had had the strangest dream. He dreamt that he'd kissed Crazy-Girl but it had seemed so real, he was never sure. He spent most of the next day watchin' her carefully. He knew if it'd been real and not a dream the girl would have dark finger marks on his arms. He hadn't been gentle and he hadn't been kind and it pained him some that he might 'a treated her that way. But no matter how carefully he kept an eye on her, she was always wearing a sweater or jacket. Her arms were always covered.

He kept an eye on her, but it didn't do any good. In all the months following that night, she'd never looked at him differently, except for once on Ariel when she'd woken up in the morgue…_'Copper for a kiss.'_ He'd wondered for a long time if she'd been asking or telling.

The only thing he knew for sure about the night in the cargo bay was that River had helped him. Strangely enough she'd given him hope and had made it imperative that he do everything he could to get her off _Serenity_, before he did anything foolish. He'd recognized another lost haunted soul when he saw one and that was too damn enticin'.

_The Results:  
_

One year to the day after Miranda _Serenity_ returned to Haven. The mining town was still barren and empty. No new settlers had come to claim the small moon whose last residents had been killed in a never recorded battle with the Alliance.

When River had made planet fall two days earlier, she'd landed the boat on the large flat area, on the far side of the rise where the graves were located. A quick check through the navigational computer and she had found Wash's old coordinates, but had opted for wherethey'd set down in the ship borrowed from one of Inara's friends last year when _Serenity_ had been in the repair yard. The young pilot had had no desire to see the burned out remains of the town as she had landed.

It hadn't taken her long to discover that one of the huge disadvantages of sanity was the sure knowledge of right and wrong. With that had came guilt for much of what had happened. It wasn't made easier by the fact that no one, not even Zoë blamed her. They put the responsibility solely on the shoulders of the Alliance.

Everyone had gone through changes since that fateful day and the terrible battle which had followed. Zoë was quieter then she had been before. There was no Wash to make her laugh and lighten her moods. She'd had a hard time at first, but grieving was a process and one that only time would take care of. No one doubted that the tall dark woman still felt the presence of her husband and always would.

Simon and Kaylee were just that, Simon and Kaylee. They had become a couple as soon as the Doc's injuries had allowed. Now they were inseparable. They were the innocents of the ship and River knew she'd gladly fight a horde of Reavers any day so that they would remain so. She believed that even though she and her brother would likely spend their lives on the outer fringes of the rim, he would never lose that last remaining piece of naiveté that allowed him to see the good in a person before the bad.

The Captain had almost bled to death when the Operative had stabbed him in the side with his sword. It had ruptured his spleen and caused internal bleeding. But he was young and strong and had healed quickly. Along with his physical injuries there had been some healing to his soul as well. His childhood faith hadn't been restored, but broadwaving what had happened on Miranda had gone a long way to making right the wrong that had been committed. River knew that some people thought it was an act of vengeance on his part, vengeance for Serenity Valley. But she was a reader and knew differently. It may have started out that way, but it went deeper, back to the reasons Mal had become an Independent, back to the roots of his beliefs. As Shepherd Book had told her on Canton, and told Mal, eight months later, on Haven, '_believe in something'._

Though Miranda had allowed the Captain to begin to have faith again, even if it was only in his ability to make decisions, it had shattered all of Inara's. The government she'd believed in so strongly was proven to be something beyond her worst nightmare. It was that government that had given her status as a Companion, but if it was false, then it stood to reason that the Guild was too. She was still reeling from the implications and trying to figure out who she really was. But day by day she was moving closer to the one thing outside of herself that she still believed in, Malcolm Reynolds. It was a slow dance, but a much more peaceful one than their former existence had been. It didn't take physic stills to know that soon they would be as much of a couple as Simon and Kaylee were.

Then there was Jayne. From a reader's point of view, he was an oddity. When they were working she had no problem knowing exactly where he was, what needed to be done and how they would do it. Their minds often moved as one. But on a personal level, she was blinded. Though she never went seeking his thoughts on purpose, and she doubted it was anything special he was doing. All she knew was that she couldn't read him unless it was about business.

She smiled as she thought about him. He had become her unwilling partner on work details while fixing _Serenity_, then her willing partner as she joined him, Zoë and the Captain on jobs. They'd become friends, and confidants. In the last year she had grown to love him, though she doubted he returned the feelings. She cherished the memory of the one kiss they'd shared long ago in the cargo bay. She held it tightly to her heart like her love, a deep secret.

Days were long on Haven and nights short this time of year. River sat on the bridge and watched the dazzling sunset that silhouetted the marker-stones on the hill. She'd watched an hour earlier when Simon and the Captain and gone to get Zoë and bring her back to her bunk. The First-Mate had kept a silent vigil beside her dead husband's grave, for the last day and a half.

River heard Mal lock up for the night. The others were in their bunks or the lounge so no one saw the young pilot leave the ship. She needed some advice and though it made no sense and was totally illogical, she snuck out and headed for the hill where Shepherd Book was buried.

Sitting on the ground she shivered as the wind blew, but she wasn't going to let being cold keep her from her purpose. Lightly she ran her hand over his name on the stone and looked up at his holo-image above.

"Help me," she whispered.

"As much as he'd do 'bout anythin' for any 'a us, I don't think it's gonna happen." Jayne stood over her and lit a cigar. "Least ways not now." He crouched down beside her.

"What are you doing here?"

"Came out to have one last smoke with my friend." He nodded toward Book's grave. "Next think I know you came along. You could join us, but I only have the one cigar."

"That's all right. Go ahead and enjoy it for all of us." She waved her hand in front of her face trying to keep from breathing in the smoke.

"Ya don't like the smell?" He watched the wind play gently with her hair. "I guess I can't say I blame ya. It's one thing ta smoke these things and 'nother to be around someone else's smoke."

"No I…" She almost let slip that she loved the way his cigars smelled because they reminded her of him, but she pulled the words back in time. "…I…ah…was just wondering what made you start smoking them if you didn't like it when others did."

"It were my twenty-first birthday. I was on some nameless moon in the back 'a beyond." He shook his head as he remembered how young and senseless he'd been. "I was missin' home somethin' fierce, but bein' the manly man I was didn't want ta let it show. I got inta a poker game, way over my head but was holdin' my own. There was this Core-gent who ran outta coin. He tossed some cigars inta the pot. I won that hand and had my first smokes. They was mighty fine. Never had the likes of 'em since, but this one is pretty close. I bought this it special to share with the Shepherd here."

"Then I should leave," River whispered.

"No, stay, I've got something I've been meanin' ta give ya for a while now." He fumbled in his pocket and pulled out the crumpled pages of Book's bible that River had given him almost a year and a-half ago. "They helped me. I wouldn't admit it at the time, I'm not even sure I understood it at the time. But you givin' 'em to me made a difference. It'd been pretty near twenty years since someone cared 'nuff 'bout me to do somethin' like that. They helped fix what was broke at Canton, now you need 'em to fix what is still broke after Miranda."

River reached for the papers but pulled her hand back at the last moment. She was on her knees and tears ran down her face as she rocked back and forth. "I can't take them Jayne. I don't deserve them. I betrayed all of you! I don't deserve to be fixed!"

"Oh Babe, that just ain't so." He rose ta his knees until he was facing her, put his arms around her and pulled her close. "Hush, now, you did no such thing." His eyes fluttered closed at how wonderful she felt in his arms. "'Sides, I know ya got the rest of the Preacher's Good Book, I seen ya readin' it a time or two, but ya'd always stick it away in your pocket right quick if someone walks in on ya."

"It makes no difference. There is no logic to what I read. It makes no sense." She clung to him in confusion. "I make no sense!"

"Hey, hey," he spoke gently as he lifted her chin so he could look her in the eyes. "Didn't you tell me that Book said it wasn't 'bout makin' sense, but believin' in somethin'?"

"Yes that was what he told me." She swiped at her eyes and sniffed.

"Well I believed in you. I don't rightly know if it was what ya said 'bout that boy who died for me, or what was written on those pages that healed me, but somethin' did. Now I gotta return the favor. I trust ya; had off and on for a long while afore Miranda."

"That is totally illogical. I took a knife to you; I knocked you out twice," she whispered and ran her fingers over his chest where she knew the scar to be.

"Exactly," he spoke quietly. "Didn't make sense, just t'was, maybe that was what the Shepherd was talkin' 'bout. Though part 'a me thinks it had a lot to do with the way ya kissed me that night." Jayne had wondered for a long time if that kiss had been a crazy dream or real, but it only took one look at River's face to know the truth.

"I didn't think you remembered it." She shivered.

"Not likely ta forget something like that." He leaned his forehead against hers and sighed. "There been times I can't sleep for rememberin'."

"You too?" Her eyes were filled with doubt and worry. He was the sum of all her good dreams for the last year. She found it overwhelming that all of the sudden she'd discover that he might just feel the same way about her.

"Come with me," his words were gruff as he was hit by strong emotions and desires at the same time. He stood suddenly and pulled her up with him but never let go of her hand that was holding tightly to his.

"Where are we going?"

"To a little spot I know of. It's on the other side of this here rise, from _Serenity._ Me and the Shepherd used ta go there ta fish." He bent down to put out his cigar before leaving it sitting reverently on Shepherd Book's memorial stone. "I got a powerful need to kiss ya again and this just ain't the proper place."

"I… won't be like your other women. I can't be." River held back, knowing that in the end she would follow him anywhere, but afraid of the consequences.

"I know that. It's why I waited so long ta say anythin'. Needed ta be sure my own self. It turns out I'm just as sure as I was six months ago." He settled his arm around her as they walked over the rough ground.

It took them ten minutes to reach the spot Jayne had in mind. There was an outcropping of rocks that protected a small stream. He took off his coat and laid it on the ground for River to sit on as he built a fire.

"I haven't spent much time with men," she whispered as he pulled her into his arms. "At least not this way."

"I remember from the last time we kissed. T'was another reason I wanted to be very sure afore I kissed ya again."

"I can't read you like this." She bit her lip, hating that she was unsure of herself. "When we work I know what is in your mind, but any other time I can't, not since I began to…well care about you."

"I wondered how come ya hadn't smacked me upside the head for some 'a the dreams I been havin' 'bout you." They were sitting facing each other, with their hips touching and their legs straight out in front of them. He wrapped his arms around her and ran his hand lazily over her throat and under her jaw.

"Mmmm that feels nice." Her head fell back onto his arm.

As much as they wanted to kiss one another, they waited, prolonging it for as long as they could. He became fascinated with touching her neck and face, she with the swirl of his goatee. He'd never taken it slow with a woman and she'd never been with a man at all.

Finally when his eyes were deep blue smoke and hers so dark they reflected the stars, he lowed his head and cover her lips with his. The intensity of emotions exploded like a thunder clap in River's head. It filled her, mending her cracks and silencing the bits of leftover chaos that still remained. She knew that from that moment on she'd gladly followed him where he led, as he'd followed her.

**_And They Lived Happily Ever-after_**


End file.
